Writing Wings For You

Marie Lukasik Wallace ~ # I LIVE Poetry – I'm passionate about life and writing and all things creative and poetic!


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REMEMBERING

daddy journal

For Christmas of 2000,  I had given my daddy a journal with the inscription:  “the best gift we can give anyone is intimacy, sharing our thoughts and feelings.  Please jot things down once in awhile for me so I will have them as a gift forever.”

For those of you who know me, I’ve been working to get to know my dad for quite some time. I hadn’t realized it was this long. He passed in March, and as we were cleaning things, I found this journal with only 2 entries (above) that were written, a year or so llater.  I never knew he had even written anything in that journal…  And now, 14 years later, his words mean so much more to me.  Below are two of his journal entries if you’re not able to read the above.

To Marie,

I found this book while digging in my library closet 9-11-2001, the day New York City was bombed by terrorists…Hope to have better news later – Papa

9-17-01 – NYSE opened at 9:30 EST looking good – We’re doing better already…love to all my children and grand children…God Bless All of you and God…Please bless all of the world….America needs you now.”

There’s so much that I notice here!  Without knowing, I use ellipsis all the time and didn’t know why except that I like that kind of pregnant pause.  I must have learned that from him or at least picked it up by watching him. Seeing it in this journal was super cool.  Another thing I noticed was that since his death, I have found little notes like this. He often thought about us and prayed for us, even though we never knew it.  The VAULT speaks on paper….I’ve probably not said this before, but when we were younger, my dad wrote a lot…and I know that my desire to write comes from watching him spend much time doing this.    I do wish he had done it a little more because he was so good at little quips of history and dating everything!   (newspaper articles, cards, letters, etc.)   I don’t date things enough, but know its value.

So the advice I leave with you there is so much we don’t know about a person.  It takes time to “find gold in the soul.”  Sometimes it takes years for the intimacy to appear.  Notice…learn…be patient…and just enjoy…Little things will be revealed in their own time.

God Bless America and its beautiful people on this day and years to come.

I LOVE YOU so much AMERICA!!!


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Can You Take me Back Daddy?

This is how I know there’s gold in every soul.  I think back on m relationship with my dad.  What I remembered as a child…both the open man and the closed man…and then I remember the man I knew as an adult.  Most of the time closed…but there were glimpses of gold in the soul.

I wrote this recently as a pondering.  What I like is that it pointed out to me where the walls were starting to form…the prison my dad built around him.  How I was so blessed the last couple of years that the walls started to get holes in them…and then I saw shiny gold peeking out.

If I could go back to any

Moment in time

What would it be?

I think this summer

When it was

Just you and me

 

We talked so freely

Just you and me

And I imagined how

It must have been

When I was a baby

And you cradled me

And you cooed with me

And life was simpler

Before you knew

You world was crumbling

And that people weren’t happy

Before your tenderness

Was crushed by the weight

Of real life

Before you knew that the love

Of your life wasn’t as happy as you.

Could you take me there daddy?

 

I want to know what

It was like before

The monstrous voice of the drink

Allowed you to say things

That were not really you

When the hurt unleashed

And lashed out on anyone

In its path

 

Somehow I always knew

That it wasn’t you

On those cold dark days

How?

Because there were

Those quiet moments

When you taught us

Poker and dominoes

And we sat around

Like a family

And laughed and played

As if there were no cares

In the world

 

Can you take me back there daddy?

May you find gold in the soul of all those you love.  Where would you like the time machine to take you?


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Summer Beauty

purple daisy cropped

Spiky bulbous heads

show off their summer beauty

Soak the sun all in.

These flowers are the perfect examples of how we change with time and perspective.  I used to think these flowers were the ugliest in my garden.  Maybe it was because they weren’t the intense color of purple that I love…maybe because they look a little weedy on the bottom.  But when I focus my camera lens differently and I look at the flower from different angles, and I really begin to notice…THERE….I find beauty.   If you blow the picture up on your screen, you can see the cool TEXTURE of the middle.  How many flowers have spiky middles and flourish on the outside?  And they grow tall and elegant and stand far above the rest of the crowd.

If I apply this to life, what else would I see if I changed my camera lens and focused on something different?

Glorious, radiant beauty…and gold in every soul.

Happy Sunday my friends,

marie signature 2-for resizing final

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Digging for Gold in the Soul – #1

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My daddy has been a vaulted man for most of my life.  I never understood why.  I only knew that as a child and an adult I yearned for him to talk to me…tell me things about him.  The child in me longed for the stories and the adventures.   But the human in me wanted a deeper relationship, to talk and go do things together.  There’s something about a little girl and her daddy, or at least what I interpreted from watching my friends with their dads.

It’s been 3 years since I’ve began my quest to get to know daddy.  I can’t tell you what prompted me to begin this journey, but I think it was intuition, or maybe it was that I sat still long enough to listen.  I began with curiosity and a book.  The book had questions in it.  As I perused the book, I realized that I didn’t know a lot of basic things about my dad.  Sure there were the obvious things I didn’t know like our family tree and how he met my mom or why she left.  But really I didn’t even know simple things like his favorite color or favorite food or even family traditions.

I told dad about the book and showed it to him.  He looked at it curiously.  “What do you think dad?” I asked hopefully, and he answered, “sure, I could probably do that.”   Inside, I was elated, and I wanted to grab him and hug him, but I knew I didn’t want to scare him.  He was like a frightened  deer talking about anything more than the weather and fishing and/or tractors. 

The first year was peppered with just a few questions here and there, about every few days or sometimes just once a week.  At first, I could only ask daddy really simple questions like family tree information or things he liked or didn’t like.  That was safe enough.

However, if I asked a question that was too deep, he feigned an “I don’t know” or a “I have to go and fix dinner now”  or “I’ll get back to that” (which he never did.)  I could hear in his voice that I had hit a nerve and the pain was too raw to look at.  Those were days he had looked at once and tucked away for good.

But there was something that kept him coming back.  Was it that every one of us wants to leave a legacy of some sort?  Is it that everyone wants to leave some small part of themselves in this world to know they had not lived their life in vein?  

Also, at first, daddy would only answer the questions that were in the book.  If I was there in person, he would peek over to make sure the question was in the book.  He still didn’t trust me, and that was okay.  Fortunately for me, I knew that I shouldn’t go off track, or he might not talk anymore.  Actually, most of the time I worried if one day he would just stop answering questions.  And I realized that worry didn’t serve me.  I was learning more about dad than I ever had.  It was these little gold nuggets that I kept digging up.  Like gold, you cherish each little bit you find, even the flecks.

Fast forward three years, to last night.  I chatted just a short chat with my daddy before he went to bed.  I helped him calm his fears because nighttime is evil to him.  (He has Sundowners.)  And I told him, “I love you daddy and sleep well.”   His words back to me were simple, but went straight to the heart.

                           “Thanks for being nice to me.”

Wow.  Six little words that startled me into reality.  Isn’t that what we ALL want?  …someone to be nice to us, especially in a world that is sometimes cruel.  We just want to know someone cares.  And sometimes it’s in the simple things…talking on the phone and ask them about themselves.  Daddy responded, as I think I would, grateful that someone was nice to me.  It’s always been a journey for me to find the gold in every soul I meet, even those I might not care for or understand…it’s there.  Now it’s my mission to find it and cherish it all people.  There are so many treasures I have yet to meet.

                                   Got a shovel?  It’s time to dig!

*Disclaimer:  I am not saying this will work for every person.  But I do know this, that most of the time when you take the time to listen and ask questions, that people respond.  Sometimes you have to sift through the response to see what is there, and look deep for what this person is offering you, no matter how small.    

Have a most blessed day my fellow friends,

~Nemaste,  Marie