Writing Wings For You

Marie Lukasik Wallace ~ # I LIVE Poetry – I'm passionate about life and writing and all things creative and poetic!


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Hello My Daddy

Good morning my daddy.   On the anniversary of your death, I write this to you in honor of the poem we got to write together.  I remember how excited I was about finding a way we could talk and share more intimately through a mode you loved best.  I couldn’t wait to write more poems with you.  Later that week, you had your stroke.

I love this picture.  Carole calls it the goodbye picture…but today, it’s the Hello My Daddy picture.  Heard your EMS sirens today…so I know you’re awake.  I love you.daddy and me      20160301_072054_resized

I REMEMBER

I remember when you were just a vault…no affection…little talking…always about you.

I remember the first time I asked you if you could do the Father’s Legacy project.  You were apprehensive, but you said, “I could probably do that.”

I remember asking the first question and held my breath for the answer.  It was a simple question like “What is your favorite color?”  You answered two questions that day.

I remember when you would peak over my shoulder to make sure the questions I asked were in the book.  We were building trust.

I remember the first time you were vulnerable and told me your angel story.  This time you held your breath, until I said, “I believe in angels too Daddy.”   I felt your sigh of relief as your story, held in for about sixty years, was believed for the first time.

I remember coming to visit you in the summers as you told me about all the junk in your junkyard and learning why they were your treasures and realizing you were an artist like me.

I remember our last summer together savoring every detail….getting lost with you and loving every minute.  Our last Father’s day, making it special with a sheet for a table cloth and wild sunflowers from your backyard. It was so special that I will always remember it, but you couldn’t remember it the next day.

I remember writing this “I remember poem with you”

and then it all went black…and there was no more remembering.

 

 

 

 

 

 


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My Daddy’s Angel

daddys angel

Guardian Angel

Cascading your love and light

Send out your legions to

bring peace and joy

everywhere

Today was My Daddy’s birthday, and he would have been 78.  It felt strange not to be able to call him and gush birthday greetings, telling him all the reasons I love him. While I was so very grateful for all our chats and for the chance to get to know him and feel closer, I can’t help but to have wanted more time with him.  Last year, I sent this angel to him to guard over him while he was at the nursing home, guardian angels being our thing.  I sent her two  day mail so he would have some holiday cheer for the Christmas season, but no one even took her out of the box for two weeks.  Disappointment couldn’t even be a strong enough word for how it felt when he had to remain in a sterile white room with no holiday cheer.  Finally, my brother found it and set her up on his table ; but alas, not in all her magnificence.  Now she graces our tree with her elegance and protection.

This year, since I couldn’t be with him, I sat under the guardian glow of our angel, reminiscing on our fond memories of this past year, writing small clips down so as not to forget them…and calling on the legions to bring Peace and Joy to our world for this New Year 2016.  In loving memory, rest in peace my daddy, and keep watching over me.

Love you so much, Ree


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Breadcrumbs

You left me breadcrumbs

to figure out your life

put together our sorrows

make sense of your strife

never knew why the door was to stay closed

and locked up so tight

you barely arose

and now you’re on the other side

We are left here wondering

filled with mystery

digging for knowledge of you

knowing no history

couldn’t you have stopped a moment to provide

a trail of crumbs on this side?

Wish there was a way to lift the veil

It seems I knock and knock,

but to no avail.

Poets inspire each other.  Sometimes it’s a poem…sometimes it’s a phrase…and sometimes it’s a word  like breadcrumbs.  Curiosity gets me to write.   Where do “breadcrumbs” lead you?   Thanks to Poetry Channel for the inspiration.


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Where are You Daddy?

lily

I selfishly let you go…

They tell me you are at comfort and peace

now that you’ve let go of your earthly restraints.

I believed them.

For awhile.

You see, you and I have, on many occasions

connected by heart.

Why would the spiritual and physical world

be any different?

At first, I heard you everywhere,

especially in my music.

As the words slipped the singers

mouth, I felt they were the vehicle

for you to send me messages.

And now, as the rituals are over

and daily life begins back,

I feel less an less connection.

Are you truly comforted my daddy?

Are you truly at peace?

Whisper to me my daddy…

My heart desperately needs to know.


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My Daddy’s Sweet Release

eagle

photo courtesy of Travis Jessop

 

My daddy finally received his sweet release from this world.

And now his journey continues…but without it’s restrictive form.

I was reminded this week by a dear fellow blogger, Michael,

of an old poem I read when I was younger.  My dad might

have even shown it to me.  It’s the perfect poem for my

poet friends.  Thank you for all your support in this difficult

time.  It’s bittersweet.  But am grateful for his peace.

Good friends knowing that both my daddy and I love

words, especially poetry, have offered some beautiful

gold nuggets…I will, if I can, pass them along this week,

or at least weekly.  Thanks for loving his sweet spirit.

A Thousand Winds

Do not stand at my grave and weep.

I am not there. I do not sleep.

I am a thousand winds that blow.

I am the diamond glints on snow.

I am the sunlight on ripened grain.

I am the gentle autumn rain.

When you awaken in the morning’s hush

I am the swift uplifting rush

Of quiet birds in circled flight.

I am the soft stars that shine at night.

Do not stand at my grave and cry;

I am not there. I did not die. – Mary Elisabeth Frye


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For you My Daddy – What I Learn from you as You Leave this Mortal Life

My heart is so small
it’s almost invisible.
How can You place 
such big sorrows in it?
 
“Look,” He answered,
“your eyes are even smaller,
yet they behold the world.”  ~ Rumi ~

As you know, I’ve been writing about my daddy and how I had been developing a relationship with this vaulted man, and I began writing his story.  All the while, making daily phone calls, having to get through not only the emotional vault, but the dreaded disease of Alzheimer’s and its effects of fear of people trying to harm him and steal from him.  I took whatever morsels I could get because I knew a little of my dad was better than what many people get, and it was a legacy of stories for my kids and grandkids.

In October, I sent my dad an excerpt from the book so I could see if I was hitting the mark, capturing his story the way he wanted it to be told.  When I received the phone call, I could hardly wait to get feedback to see if I had hit the mark and know where to take the story next.  But I also braced myself for if he hated it.

“Hello dad, how are you?”  I said holding my breath.  His first words were strong and harsh, “Shame on you.”   My heart sunk.  Wow.  I had not expected that.  ‘What had I said?  What was so wrong? ”     He replied, “You made me cry.”  I heaved a huge sigh of audible relief.  I really wanted to get his story right.  He also told me that I had written it as if I were there.  This is my first time writing ANYONE’S story, so it was scary…even scarier because it was my dad.  He told me he was very proud of me..and that he was looking forward to reading more of my story.  The next day, my dad had a stroke.  He couldn’t talk well at all.  The left side of his face was sagging, so his speech was slurred.    My heart crushed again…because my dad’s story book was closing…and I would no longer have access to it.    Within a few days, my dad could not talk at all.  We think he had several more mini strokes..because it was odd we couldn’t hear some except some basic whispers of basic conversatioins.

So now, three months later, my dad still can’t talk.  It’s so very sad…and very difficult to watch.  He knows what is being said all around him, but he can’t communicate his basic needs, nor can he communicate his feelings.  He can no longer write…and even the simpliest communication boards don’t serve him well.

The silver lining is that each day he loses something, and I am more grateful for what I was able to hold onto the day before…which reminds me to just be as present as possible today.

As I go through this process, a million thoughts are writing across my brain.  I feel them…I try to grasp them…but I am clumsy.  However, I KNOW the power of words..and I KNOW they will heal…and I trust that my dad and I still have a few adventures left in us…I am optimistic.  I am grateful.  I am blessed.

Thank you dear God for the blessings, even in these tragic, heart breaking moments.  Let us both find peace and beauty and yes, still some laughter.  That’s what my daddy does best.

Take care my friends,

love your peeps.

Marie


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Time for a Sweet Release

wpid-20140612_205954.jpg

It is time

For your sweet release

Let go of this physical world

And embrace the spiritual.

 

There we can talk

We can play dominoes

And giggle

We can be whom

We’ve been all along

We won’t be restrained

We won’t feel frustration

It can be just you and me

Having coffee daddy

 

And your voice will be heard

And it will be written

A legacy embraced

And all will be as it should be

 

It is time.

Time for a sweet release

 

Trapped in a steel cage

Of silence

The tongue clumsy

Derelict of its duty

Unable to serve its master

 

 

 

Trapped

Unable to say

What you want

What you need

To be mad out loud

To say how you feel

Or don’t feel about anything

A mind alert without

A voice to support it

Is just that…

A trap…

So unfair

And cruel, and unusual punishment.

Let go.

It is time.

Time for a sweet release